january 09, 2023
haven't had a dream in a long time. not one significant enough to write down, anyway - nor one that i've been able to transcribe quickly enough for it to be truly faithful to the content of the dream. not dead though. me, or this journal. not yet.
january 18, 2022
i'm on holiday. i'm not sure where. the streets are narrow and winding, with thick stone reminiscent of edinburgh. i'm in a hotel room, the largest i've ever seen, with a large and unusually wide television and an ipad, both of which i have bought. i'm frustrated that there are so many stickers in the middle of the tv screen and they keep leaving residue when i remove them. i'm playing music through the tv with the ipad, but every time i try to pause the music it starts back up seconds later.
i realise slightly too late that i have forgotten to put out a 'do not disturb' sign and head to the door to do so, but as i reach the door it opens and a woman wearing a maid outfit over black jeans enters. i apologise for my state of undress so late in the afternoon and she laughs - she seems friendly. she has come to tell me that i will be visited by someone 'very important' who has a lot of questions for me. she says i will be interrogated and my room will be searched. i ask why and she replies that it is standard procedure for foreigners travelling in this country, and that they are looking for a child being smuggled in. then she leaves. i search the internet for similar stories and find a folk tale about a boggart hiding with travellers. i am unsure if i am being pranked.
two women in black are flanking my open door and i'm panicking, trying to find clothes to wear. my belongings are strewn across the hotel room and i'm stressed that they're going to judge me for the mess. as i hop from one side of the room to the other, searching for clothes, i catch glimpses down the hallway of a blonde woman. she wears dark lace over her pale skin, perfect makeup and fine, subtle jewellery and i know at once that she is the important person i was told to expect. she's leaning through the doorway, peering in with a mixture of amusement and curiosity on her face. i apologise profusely as i pass the hallway again and again and she laughs pleasantly.
we sit alone in my hotel room a while, i upon the couch and she upon something taller. she's a lot shorter than me and almost impossibly petite, and as she looks down upon me from her perch with a warm smile, i am reminded of nobility, or perhaps royalty. she is the most beautiful person i have ever seen and yet my only desire is to assist, to comply. we talk a while, and she asks me to come with her on a short walk.
we walk at leisurely pace through the darkening city streets. dusk casts a soft light from grey skies onto damp streets as we walk. i do not know where we are going but i am not afraid, her presence intimidates and yet comforts me simultaneously. as we pass under a tall stone bridge in a narrow street, i feel a warm, soft hand upon the back and side of my neck. the warmth spreads throughout my body, radiating from the point of contact, and i feel hot - but not unbearably so. it feels like the embrace of a warm bed or a campfire and brings all of the comfort expected from such. my vision begins to blur and i wonder to myself why, as i realise what is happening - why did she feel the need to compel me when i was happy to comply? my vision settles with a new, blueish hue and the warmth recedes as she removes her hand. it's darker now and we walk faster as she begins to question me. her questions are short and seem, bizarrely, to be focused entirely on word association. 'what is this?' 'what is that?' i strain to hear some of her questions but keep having to ask her to repeat what she's saying as i can't quite hear. we enter a dark, candlelit building (a bar? a restaurant?) as she asks me 'what is death?' i find myself struggling to answer - is it finality or a beginning? is it temporary or forever? we walk briskly through the crowds of the building but nobody seems to look our way. i'm tired now, and as we enter a caged lift i stumble. i find myself kneeling before her, deafened by the roar of conversations around us but i cannot hear her speak. she is quick to squat down to match my eye level. she asks if i can hear her well - knows that i can hear the building's patrons over her, as if my hearing is better but only at distance. i'm struck by her kindness, her warmth, her beauty. she parts her lips to smile and i see the blood on her incisors. i know that it is mine but i can't recall when she took it.
december 12, 2021
short dream. travel in a spacecraft. 8+ crew members asleep in bunks in a dimly lit hexagonal room, it is "night" on the ship. one person is awake, sitting at a computer terminal. they wear headphones and watch something on the terminal. beside their media is a chart of the route plotted for the craft.
a loud ping, like a stone striking a car. she doesn't hear it, her headphones block out the sound. a louder collision catches her attention as the ship shudders. she stands, headphones off, as a man enters the room. he asks if anyone heard anything. the crew are rising, checking their watches - it's a little after 4am.
the crew stumble as the ship is forced off course. they check their maps - they were supposed to be passing a distant black hole but in its place is a pulsar and they have become trapped in its radiation cone. temperatures rise rapidly and sweat pours from brows as the heat and panic begin to take their toll. they fight to regain control of the ship as it tumbles along the radiation cone.
they sit, some on the floor, exhausted. the danger has passed for now. the charts will need to be updated. they'll need to get in close enough to image the star but none dare return to the site of a barely-averted disaster. the atmosphere is thick with dread.
december 10, 2021
a car. a destination. a purpose - celebration? a birthday? two groups, two cars. driving with a close friend as a passenger. sometimes the friend is someone else - close, friendly, but i don't recognise them. felt i knew them.
arrival. the place is underwhelming, roadside, vending machines? inside the venue is dark, no other presence beside our group. there are simulators - one is for agriculture. i venture deeper into the venue with my friend.
i am in bed, beside someone. fully clothed. a kiss. another - passionate, restrained, kind. it feels good.
[later, awake, i will feel tremendous guilt - a taboo broken by the unconscious mind. i will shade myself from the guilt with my bedsheets and force myself back to sleep.]
we're at dinner in a busy restaurant, all of the group together. i'm trying to order from the menu but the restaurant is closing soon and they won't take my order. there is food on my plate, and so many plates. every plate smokes or steams strange colours. the music is so loud i can't hear anyone talking.
we're deeper still in the venue now, a small private cinema the size of a single garage. it is lit in a cool shade of blue and all of the chairs are different. it looks comfortable. an old friend is there, choosing a film for us to watch with the rest of the group. i say i have to leave with the friend i arrived with, we're out of time. i ask the old friend if they know where the bathroom is - my voice comes out like i'm singing.
